It's really DINO-mite.
A foreword: ON SPEC is a new column at Finickal created by Terry Erickson and Chris D'alessandro, where we take a popular franchise and, as writers, outlandishly speculate where it could head (but totally won't). Sometimes that means a left field story, other times it means a crossover, and sometimes it means both. We're just trying to have fun here.
With each entry, the Fast & Furious franchise has been reaching dizzying new heights of ridiculousness. Dom, Hobbs, Letty, Roman, Tej, and Ramsey are ready to go to fucking space by now, and we wouldn't really bat an eye if Dom landed his Charger on the moon.
But, we're living in a post Brian O'Conner world, and The Fate of the Furious shows us the franchise is still struggling to find a new tonal foothold in this world of blockbusters. We here at Finickal believe there's only one true direction this series can go...
That's right, motherfuckers. Welcome...to Jurassic Furious.
Listen, aside from the fact that Jurassic World wasn't very good, the dinosaur franchise is currently lacking in engaging characters. And conversely, the Fast & Furious franchise *has* those engaging characters, but is lacking in the credible threats necessary to sustain them. Not to mention that both IP's are properties of Universal Studios -- there is no better example of a cinematic yin yang than these two juggernauts.
HOW WOULD THIS GO, ANYWAY?
OPEN ON THE UNIVERSAL LOGO. John Williams' classic Jurassic theme plays over black. We hear a disrupted automated audio tour guide of Jurassic World as we fade in on;
THE MAIN ENTRY WAY OF JURASSIC WORLD: Exactly as it was; still destroyed from the end of the last film. Around the Indominus Rex’s carcass, a giant tent is being erected. InGen scientists bustle around.
A helicopter lands and commando guards escort a BLACK-BAGGED figure down from the helipad.
One of the guard's security passes doesn't check out. He takes off his helmet, HOLY SHIT IT'S HOBBS. A few of the other guards do the same; Hobbs team has infiltrated InGen. A TENSE FIRE FIGHT ensues. Hobbs rock bottoms the living shit out of some poor jabroni before grabbing the black-bagged figure. HOBBS: “I’m getting you out of here.”
It looks like Hobbs and company are going to win the fight, until the commandos open cages and VELOCIRAPTORS fly out. Particularly we notice a raptor with distinct BLUE STRIPE. Remember BLUE from Jurassic World? He has a part to play.
Hobbs and a new sidekick ROSA escape into the jungle with the black bagged figure. They whip off his face covering to reveal DR IAN MALCOLM. That's right -- Jeff Goldblum has returned to the franchise in a six picture deal.
Hobbs bemoans aloud the lack of ability to extract off the island. Rosa chimes in that there's nobody who would be crazy enough to rescue them now. Hobbs disagrees.
SMASH CUT TO LOS ANGELES AS JA RULE'S "FAST AND FURIOUS" TRACK PLAYS ON FULL BLAST
Dom, Letty, Tej, Roman, Ramsey, and DECKARD SHAW (Jason Statham) rebuild Dom's old house. Shaw's putting on a new coat of paint as Dom cracks him open a cold Corona. Shaw hops down and accepts his Corona gift - their chests heave together from a hard day's work perfectly in sync. He's definitely part of the Family, now.
BUT HERE COMES MR. NOBODY (Kurt Russell), who lets them all know about the dire situation about Isla Nublar. Roman Pierce is the ONLY one who's shocked that dinosaurs exist on this planet once again.
The team flies to Costa Rica, and Dom loads his Charger on the ferry to the island...
And that's our first act! But don't worry, we've mapped the shit out of the rest of the flick.
THE REST OF THE MOVIE...
So obviously the first thing you want is velociraptors chasing souped up cars through the jungle. And maybe such a chase would land our crew in a clearing full of gigantic herbivores:
"Yo, IS THAT A BRACHIOSAURUS?"
"I think you mean Brontosaurus."
"SHUT. UP. TEJ."
The gang jumps from car to car—and dino to dino, but Roman DOESN’T MAKE one of his signature jumps, and now he's stranded. BLUE shows up and corners Roman, and it looks like he’s done for… but Blue leaves him be at the last second. WHY?
While stranded, Roman would make friends with a baby triceratops, setting up its parents coming to the rescue in the end. If you've read this far, you know this is fucking Tyrese's movie top to bottom.
The rest of the gang is holed up in original Jurassic Park Welcome Center. Tej gets Sam Jackson’s old computer working again (“y’all hold onto yo butts”) before he hits the power switch. They triangulate Hobbs’ position and set out to rescue him.
Hobbs last known location turns out to be a half-eaten carcass. It’s raining. We get the classic WATER RIPPLE and THUMP THUMP of T-Rex FOOTSTEPS. Tej has the gang kill the engines and the lights. The T-Rex emerges from the jungle and gnaws the spoiler off of Letty’s car. That’s enough for Dom -- he fires up the Charger and rams the Rex HEAD ON.
The rest of the gang takes off while the Rex flips the Charger. Dom emerges and the T-REX LUNGES. Is Dom finished?
It turns out everyone and their mom is after Ian Malcolm, and when Shaw and Hobbs finally find him together, it's revealed the late John Hammond entrusted secrets about the InGen company only to him. It isn’t long before exposition is interrupted and the RAPTORS crash the party again. Letty tosses Malcolm in the car and takes off...
...and then we have Ian drop the "Must go faster" line as Letty hits the NOS.
It’s looks like the gang is going to get away before A BLUE TINTED SUBARU crashes through trees - AND IT'S DRIVEN BY BLUE THE RAPTOR. It's too much, Blue's drifting skills are too good and the team finds themselves cornered and apprehended by elite commandos. TEJ: “The raptors learned to drive?!”
OMG HOW DOES THIS MONSTROSITY END?
The Family and Malcolm are taken back to Jurassic World HQ, where we reveal the big bad is none other than ALAN GRANT himself. Grant wants to make Hammond’s monsters extinct once and for all, and he’s willing to go to any lengths to do it.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE FUCKERY -- Grant reveals that Blue might be familiar, that’s because he has the brain of BRIAN O'CONNER. That's fucking right, guys -- Blue from Jurassic World is so smart because it has the brain of a former FBI agent.
There's ZERO time to react because KA-FUCKING-BOOM -- in busts Dom RIDING THAT TYRANNOSAURUS. Dom and the T-Rex proceed to fuck up all the commandos and raptors, by Grant activates his last resort—a reanimated, half-dinosaur, half-machine Indominus Rex. The iRex 2.0.
The iRex seems like it might be too much, even with the combined badassery of Dom and the T-Rex -- until ROMAN BUSTS IN with TWO TRICERATOPS (his baby friend's mommy and daddy), which spear the living shit out of the iRex. The T-Rex goes in for the kill and RIPS the iRex’s head clean off. Blood and oil spurts while we hear that CLASSIC T-REX ROAR.
The gang is about to escape, but standing between them and the copter is Grant and Raptor Brian. Roman triggers Raptor Brian with a story from their days growing up in Barstow, Raptor Brian turns on Grant and rips his face off.
The gang watches the T-Rex walk into the sunset.
DOM: “Looks like our family just got a little bigger...”
IS THERE A POST CREDITS STINGER?
You bet your ass there is. The family sits down to a chicken dinner outside the freshly re-constructed Toretto house. The camera pans over to reveal RAPTOR BRIAN sitting at the table. Roman tosses a whole chick up and Raptor Brian snags it with his jaws out of mid air.
So, would this make a bajillion dollars or what?